E3 2015: Meet Your Match

The cultural Mecca for those with woeful skin complexion rears its head for another year of empty promises, thinly-veiled cameos, and the inevitable middle-aged white man using the word “selfie” incorrectly on stage to the cries of everyone who has ever owned technology. With your favourite hobby rapidly becoming your biggest financial pitfall it’s important to ensure your pocket-lining is going to someone who can suit your needs. Someone who plays with your hair or pulls your hair or shaves it off in your sleep; Western culture teaches us that there’s someone for everyone. We sat down to quiz this year’s choice E3 singletons to see who can potentially fill that expensive hole in your heart until the next hot piece of property comes along.

No Man's SkyBachelor #1 – No Man’s Sky

Dream date: Take a long walk down a vacant beach, invested in the feeling that we are somewhere no one else has ever been. Because we probably are. We Christen the sandy shore “N00bSh00t3r” and lovingly fall into each other’s arms.
Likes: Pacifism.
Dislikes: The durability of a single human life, meaning that no single person can ever truly complete me.
Searching for: Irish woman, aged 29 – 5,000,000,000 ideally. Someone that can appreciate the spontaneity of travel.
Favourite chat-up line: “I can be in and out with no pause in between”.



BattlefrontBachelor #2 – Star Wars Battlefront

Dream date: Meet up with 19 similarly minded couples in a secluded Endorian forest. We laugh, we share a bottle of wine. When the lulled enemy lets their guard down we thin the herd and be crowned victorious. Rest, repeat.
Likes: My prestigious family name.
Dislikes: Aged fans approaching me on the street, invading my personal space and asking my opinion on who shot first. It’s a joke to them, to me it’s my life.
Searching for: Non-human gastropod with fewer than four eyes for human obliteration and maybe more.
Favourite chat-up line: “Go home with me tonight and you won’t be using your Han Solo”.


MGSBachelor #3 – Metal Gear Solid

Dream date: Recently split from a long-term partner so something low-key. If you can take photos of me laughing, throwing my hair like I am metaphorically leaving my past behind me and upload them to Facebook then that would be appreciated.
Likes: Tactical espionage action and cuddling up with Netflix.
Dislikes: Guillermo Del Toro.
Searching for: Fellow human to enjoy everday human activites such as emotional response, hydration and other things we humans do.
Favourite chat-up line: “Invite me to your place and I’ll show you why they call me the snake eater”.


Rainbow SixBachelor #4 – Rainbox Six

Dream date: We jointly cook a candlelit feast in the finest porcelain money can buy. We flick spoonfuls of béchamel sauce at each other playfully, wasting what seems like a fortune worth of ingredients but we don’t care as our laughs drown out the financial tendons of life. If all goes according to plan we manage to finish our chocolate fondant before the home owners return.
Likes: Breaking / upholding the law.
Dislikes: Breaking / upholding the law.
Searching for: Someone who appreciates the multifaceted nature of handcuffs.
Favourite chat-up line: “Get down on your knees, scumbag”.


Until DawnBachelor #5 – Until Dawn

Dream date: Book a log cabin at Camp Yougondie with three of my wildest friends and a special someone! We bring Jacqueline, my best friend but she’s a bit of a bookworm! Trevor, he’s the quarterback for the local football team! And also Satan, he’s a new foreign exchange student! He’s hilarious! When we ask him where he’s from he says “the deep south” and laughs! And he’s got this skit about killing us and making soup with our eyes! He’s so hot! Woooooo!
Likes: Skinny dipping and acoustic rock! Woooooo!
Dislikes: Ugh life fml omg wooooooo!
Searching for: A prom king! Wooooooo!
Favourite chat-up line: “Like, fuck me, right?”


Mario MakerBachelor #6 – Mario Maker

Dream date: It’s-a me, Mario!
Likes: It’s-a me, Mario!
Dislikes: It’s-a me, Mario!
Searching for: It’s-a me, Mario!
Favourite chat-up line: It’s-a me, Mario!






BethesdaWild Card – Bethesda

Bethesda refused to answer our scripted questions, shaming them for being reductive and invasive. In place of answers they offered uneasy eye contact. Being professionals we stayed the length of the interview before being removed by security.

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